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4 Ways to Make Your Partner Feel Free
What they actually mean when they say to “love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” and strategies you can use to achieve this.
The well known Vietnamese monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, famously said,
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
It is such a profound statement, and yet, I never understood what he actually meant by it.
I always recognized that this was important; if you love someone, they should feel free. They should never feel trapped or suffocated. Of course this is important. But how do you do that? What does this look like in practice?
For years I have pondered this question.
I read Thich Nhat Hanh’s books, and I still couldn’t figure out what he meant. It haunted me; what if I wasn’t loving right? But after reading numerous works by various people and diving deep into some self-discovery, I now have a better idea of what this actually looks like in practice.
1. Awareness of myself
The first step was being aware of what I bring to the relationship. This includes my insecurities, my strengths and weaknesses, my baggage, and how I am wired.
A huge part of this was figuring out that I am anxiously attached. Attachment is essentially how we relate to others, whether a romantic partner or someone else. John Bowlby (1) is famously known for discovering attachment and developing the attachment theory, however Leslie Greenberg and Sue Johnson began applying it to adult relationships in the 1980s (2). Put very simply, there are 4 attachment styles: anxious, dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, and secure. Securely attached people don’t struggle to give and accept love, while the other 3 styles experience challenges. I recommend reading Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller if you want to learn more about attachment, and Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson if you want to learn how to navigate attachment in your own relationship.
“We either become demanding and clinging in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we…
